You know you've been a dev too long when you'd rather a relative ask for a kidney than for you to make them a website.

Making up words to the Star Wars theme and singing it to my dog. "Pizza… this is my pizza…. delicious pizza…. it's not for dogs"

We just explained to an account manager in a meeting that we'd be eiffel towering the project. Confusion. Explanation. Horror.

OH in contact of teaching math: "OK, if you have 3 girls and four cups..."

I'm on my 14th Monster energy drink. I can't see out of my right eye, I taste blood, and have forgotten how to poop. But I'm wide awake.

I believe in the karma sutra, that way I can be sure life can fuck me in a variety of interesting positions.

Lars proudly surveying his potted maples saplings: "Did you see my forest?!" "I tried, but couldn't see it for all the trees." "I hate you."

One of my other super powers: giving people yeast infections via DM. Not quite as awesome as Cockpunch over the Internet (CP/IP), but close.

// this code will probably give you cancer if you look at it too long. skip to line 198 if you want to live

You know your code sucks when you apologize to *yourself* in the comments.

I suffer from the irrational and bizarre paranoia that whenever I mention my.cnf out loud, people think I'm saying Mein Kampf.

If I had a dollar for every time I've asked this... http://twitpic.com/3sr5w1

Anti-virus software is the Maginot Line of infosec

Lotion accident. Waxer apologized for her fingers "slipping all over the place". "Like gutting a deer?" I asked. "Gutting a deer is easier"

I � Unicode.

"XML is like violence. If it doesn't solve your problem, you're not using enough of it." /cc @uberbrady

Super. Boss texted me, and I fatfingered the reply. "sec meeting" turned into "sex meeting", and now I've been told I need to see HR again.

And now, a light lunch of sun-dried witch nipples.

And ever since push notifications came out on Twitter for iPhone, can I just tell you how much I enjoy every one of your @replies? #bzzzzzt

If you can read this tweet, you're in my aggro radius.

Aww, poo. My pupils are back to normal. I felt like hypnotoad there for a while.

Pupils are dilating. My cow-owners are going to think I'm tripping balls when I get back to work

Fork bomb fork bomb, you're my fork bomb. Try to kill your processes but you keep going strong. #TomJones

In this digital age, I like to fantasize that my name is the answer to someone's online banking security question.

First snow of winter // jack frost nipping at my nose // hope his dick falls off #crankyhaiku

Nothing quite like starting the day being cocksmacked by mother nature.

Harry Potter tonight. Hopefully the derelicts have already seen it, & I won't have to kill anyone. Silencior Douchnozzlarias! *pewpew*

I just spent 10 minutes with a strange woman's breast on my forehead and all it cost was a mouthful of my own eyebrows

Today is dragging. Really want the day to be done so I can crawl back down into the sewers like the C.H.U.D. I am

I'm a dev/hacker/geek first. I happen to have a vagina. Let's not make a production out of it.

I'm having cookies and cigarettes for dinner - because a healthy body leads to a healthy mind.

If Lindsay Lohan "checks in" when she checks in, she's gotta be high exalted emperor of the Betty Ford Clinic by now

If only real elections worked like foursquare, people would have to actively participate to keep their job as mayor

I can't wait until my book is done, so I can begin my metamorphosis into giant ebook-hawking cockbag. Oh, the people I'll stalk!

Dear smashwords.com: you have a typo on your site. It mistakenly says "Indie Authors" instead of "illiterate dipshits no one would publish"

Good thing is was javascript and not java, otherwise I'm certain my actions tonight would have qualified me as a .war criminal. #javahumor

Someone ping flood this bastard please: 127.0.0.1 #bash

i beat the internet. the end guy is hard. #bash

Genetically modifying animals for our entertainment is WRONG. Unless I get a teenie, tiny giraffe out of it.

"Based on your desired retirement age, you’ll need $3,924,737 in order to retire at age 65." Well shit. Blowjob line forms to the left.

Every time I pass an Origins store offerng a "FREE mini facial", I realize their marketing people watch far too much or far too little porn

Looks like the script kiddies shouldn't use a WYSIWYG editor when designing their defacements. http://twitpic.com/2t9wgt

I'm running in promiscuous mode - who wants to sniff my packets?

I'm going to start speaking entirely in ROT13 at company meetings, just to see who is actually listening to me.

Best accidental "in reply to" outcome evar. #hentai #ohhaimom http://twitpic.com/2r2q9w

I tried eating the hearts of our account managers to gain their people skills. It didn't work, and now I've been asked to meet with HR.

Dear people illegally smoking on the fire escape one floor up from where I am illegally smoking: please stop ashing on my head. <3 me

So... is "refudiate" a Palin-drome?

Jut spent 15 minutes on a phone code review with our argentina dev team trying to figure out what 'bars' are. Bariables, apparently. #duh

I want to get one of those tampon flash drives, and load it up with viruses. Because I don't understand the concept of taking a joke too far

It's as if every manufacturer that wants to make usb jewelry was set lose in a warehouse with some hot glue and a bedazzler.

Great. Missed my waxing appt. Rescheduled. Only thing worse than having someone rip out your pubes? Having someone angry rip out your pubes

I asked that they make my login to the bastion servers 'Falkor'. No one appreciates my humor here.

Dear kitchy bar-restaurants: use meaningful fucking words to demarcate gender on your bathroom doors, or don't get crabby w/me when I guess

As an act of rebellion to Steve Jobs, the very first thing i did on my new iPad was to watch porn.

The first "friend" that checks me into any bullshit on FB gets their head caved in with a shovel. And you'll know I'm close enough to do it.

I have just been called "fashionably insane."

I always laugh when I notice one twitter spammer spamming another twitter spammer. And then I wait for the singularity to kill us all.

Dear selfish neighbor // I am riding your wifi // please stop rebooting #geekhaiku #apple

Fretful pro-lifer // your sign tries to shield my soul // cram it in your ass

I'm going to create a non-profit tech group and call it .devs {border: 0px;}

Dear skank: if ur gonna skip the shower & go for the whorebath, pls pick perfume that doesn't smell like a baby powder & roach spray slurpy

Wow. I had no idea what a gigantic, gaping, cavernous pussy Zac Efron is. I spontaneously sprouted 3 new vaginas during that commercial.

Heh. Watching the eyePhone/Twitcher episode of Futurama and trying not to choke on my own shame.

If I ever have a child (don't worry, I won't) I shall name him JSON. And I shall beat him the way I have beaten the shit out of his namesake

Is it just mine, or do all overweight cats walk like they took a shit in their snowpants?

By popular demand, my response to the "pepsi taking 'under god' off their can" chain email. http://twitpic.com/20kq0c

In my world, if you allow me to take over the conversation, you weren't strong enough to keep it in the first place.

Man, once you hear about confirmation bias, you start seeing it everywhere!

Following me on Twitter is like watching reality TV. Most people are ashamed to admit it, and do it to feel better about their own lives.

I'm going to choreograph a toilet-themed dance show. I'll call it the Coprocabana.

What is the appropriate title when you meet a porn queen? Your Vagisty?

More fail whales. Jeez, @twitter, what did you do, hire all the developers that work at Facebook?

When I want your fucking opinion, I'lll shove my tentacles up your ass to get it, like any respectable demon.

Mint.com just sent me a "large transaction" alert citing a charge of $10,000. In reality, it was 10,000¥. They owe me new shorts.

(I apparently talk to myself enough to be automagically added to my own klout conversationalist list. sigh. stop your sighing. sorry.)

Cow-orker admitted weakness for $280 D&G shirts. Unless it's woven from the dried umbillical cords of endangered space pandas, not worth it

Where's a chroniton leak when you need one? I could use a time skip right about it. Today is dragging.

My husband: "I'm going to bed, to go breathe in that great smell that reminds me how good I am with the caulk." WTF? Oh. *Caulk*. Right.

Totally read this article title as "Make a Solar Panel using Dildos!", which would have been more useful to me :http://bit.ly/9wRSfs

Fav lists so far: "my gaming meatbags", "peoplewhomakemesnotlaugh", "peoplewhocouldbeatmeup", "hotpieceoftwitterass", "pipefitters" <- huh?

Someone has listed me in their "more funny retards" list. Sadly I'm only upset that I didn't make the original "funny retards" list

I think I just invented a new yoga pose. I call it downward-facing dork. #fb

Oh good, you're awake, mouthbreather. I do hope you enjoy the delicious bezoar of pubes, boogers, & something sticky I found on the floor

Always a little awkward when someone tweets one of my tech links while I'm in the middle of one of my fits. Hello, new followers, you cunts

Smelly mouthbreather // could my commute be much worse? // oh, hello there cramps. #crankyhaiku

If you secretly embed dinosaurs in your image files, does that make it a steganograsaurus? Rawr.

I use steganography to hide passive-aggressive notes when I email photos to my mother. Petty, but cheaper than therapy.

Drunk and logged in as root. Happy memorial day weekend, motherfuckers.

Is it sad that the thing I find most upsetting about this article are the shoes he's wearing with the assless chaps? http://bit.ly/caFBvm

Ooh yum! I just found a piece of bacon in my shirt. DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

Twitter followers, if you were in a german shiesse video, you'd tell me, right?

I never understood how pants with the 'Juicy' across the ass became popular. I've had juicy-ass, and it's not something I'd advertise.

Dear security experts: Do you have any idea how retarded you make me sound when I tell ppl my toolset is Snort, Oinkmaster & Pulled-Pork?

Thank you, iPhone, for changing 'gene' to 'Hebe' in my text message, making me not only sound crazy in context, but also like a bigot.

I love that geek flirting always seems to end up "we should start a website called ______."

Is there a recovery group for people compelled to make their cat dance while they listen to Orpheus in the Underworld while on the toilet?

Just got an email from a commenter on my blog, subject "Davis from the blog", and now I have Jenny From the Block stuck in my head.

Imagine young Bruce Lee sissy-fighting with present-day Steven Seagal. That's what's happening in my living room, in feline form.

Just met this face to face. Or ass to face. http://bit.ly/co9Cbx Heated seat is nice. Surprise cavity-wash leaves me feeling violated

The tiny mountain-woman I pay to rip my pubes out (who guts deer as a hobby) proudly announced that she tried the internet last week

Just had a serious call with our Product Director that involved contingency plans for the zombie apocalypse. And meteors.

Sigh. A few of my keys are sticking, including the 'g'. I just sent an email to a client discussing Burger King's Anus Burger.

I have 5 hours of conference calls today. I'm going to do them all as if voiced by Crazy Dave from Plants vs Zombies.

I think all killer whales are neutered when they're young, and that why they make such high pitched sounds. You know, orcastrotti.

Holy shit. The bus has wifi. That's a first. Seatbelts, too - also a first, but my priorities are straight.

And suddenly, Tolkien-themed prog rock took a turn for the naughty. http://twitpic.com/1gn3pf

I have decided that all work emails shall be accompanied by a corresponding lolcat for emphasis.

Dammit, why didn't anyone tell me today is Incoherent Jibbering from Strangers in Email Day?

I sometimes wonder if morning zoomies are the cat-equivalent to morning wood. Out of their control, a little embarrassing but a part of life

The email subject was "hellow me want to contact you", and I can't help but giggle because I hear Cookie Monster in my head when I read it

I hate you all. I am *not* drunk. I only drink when I'm logged in as root. #sudoisforpussies

THAT is what Google Voice thinks my dad just said in his voicemail. So either he's drunk, I'm drunk, or Google Voice sucks at transcription

Hi Elise, it's at give me a quote please. So I just got it for coming in. Hi Sister & Chris is dead complains that test. What yesterday.

I will fight gay marridge until the day I die. Or until someone can tell me WTF 'marridge' is. http://bit.ly/cGK0Ko #rednecks

Sad. My first reaction to the "On-Line Boner Meds" spam that was sent to my Sourceforge addy was "Really? Who hyphenates 'online' anymore?"

Conference calls - where "I didn't get a chance to explore that in detail yet" means "I totally didn't read your email."

I think 'transparency' is the 'synergy' of the social media age. This is why we can't have nice words.

My current klout score is 69. If this were high school I'd have to suck off my math teacher to graduate. Again.

Starting off this gorgeous Friday morning by flipping off the pro-lifers outside the womens clinic. Today could be a good day.

Oh, hello Romanian 'Directory Traversal' Attacker. Please go /../../../../../../../../proc/your/self

Aww, I just made myself sad. Tamed a polar bear, which then turned on it's cub. I had no meat, so I had to feed it it's own cub :( #warcraft

Just before I'm about to get into a confrontation in real life, I imagine the words "Entering Combat" in red letters scrolling down

Finally on the bus. Long, rainy night. Know the only thing that smells better than Ethyl McCheddarsnatch? Ethyl McCheddarsnatch soaking wet

How sad is it that I wouldn't piss on most people if they were on fire, but when the tall walnuts on PvZ start to cry, I feel sad.

God grant me the strength not to beat the ever-living piss out of my friend who is running Wordpress 2.5.1.

I just unlocked the "Mayor of Hentai-town" on @foursquare.

who needs sleep? not me! // oh hello, shadow people // that is normal, right? #geekhaiku #sleepyhaiku

QA does not mean // 20 minutes before launch // now I feel stabby #geekhaiku

(client name witheld) // i may never sleep again // eternal scope creep #geekhaiku

Started learning Japanese last night, but brain ran out of disk space and now I've forgotten how to poop and I can't see out of my right eye

I just got a spam email from Boudreaux F. Pansy. If I had a son, I would totally name him that.

I have teh dumb and cannot brain today. #fb

Sis needs inexpensive software for Windows to create and merge PDFs - suggestions? (I said Snow Leopard. She didn't get the joke.)

Penis pumps are advertised on TV and covered by medicare - but my smoking cessation prescription is not covered by my insurance. Fuck you.

Dear designers: don't fucking question me, and force me to compromise UX because you think it will "look nicer" this way.

Pristine file system // semantic and logical // I bid you farewell #geekhaiku

Awww... the jiggly iBoob app was pulled from the App Store. Not enough support?

This is why I love you guys. I take something small and put it out there, and you always always always make it better. I crowdsource mean.

Having a bad website is one thing. Having a bad website that advertises your website design skills make snipe SMASH!

Haha - I think ShadyURL is my new favorite thing ever: http://www.shadyurl.com/ #tehhax0rsarecoming

Corn? When did I eat corn?

Joseph is reading my iPhone over my shoulder. Joseph needs to mind his own fucking business. You read that okay, Joseph? I will cut you.

Aaaand @bynkii is now trying to explain two girls one cup to the same chick

OH: John, if you ever show me anything like that ever again, I will make you eat your own ballsack.

Outstanding. @bynkii just goatse'd someone at dinner. I feel a retro-rickroll trend coming on

First husbands are a necessary evil, but they all eventually become deprecated.

Carousels of old slides, sparring gloves, my issue of Cockpuncher weekly.

Just have to consider what kind of woman would marry a man who thinks that a hyphenated last name destroys the sanctity of marriage.

2010 is supposed to be the of the Tiger, but it's looking more like the year of the pwny so far.

The recent acquisition of some used fish pillows has rendered my darling husband completely retarded. He just keeps yelling "FISH PILLOWS!"

Someday, I will learn not to mistype 'malware' as 'maleware'. It's not Freudian, I swear.

I was just informed that "magic" is not an acceptable descriptor for a data flow chart. Buzzkills.

VP of strategy is whistling "I know what boys like" at his desk and I don't think he realizes it.

Haha - My old boss from the Voice on my skills as a developer: "Alison, while a girl, writes suprisingly average code. Some of it compiles!"

My husband's idea of a compliment: "I'm just saying, in my opinion, the aesthetic is that that it is, uh, very flattering to your head."

I'm going to appear to ICANN on behalf of the trees and try to get them to approve the .ent tld

Font addiction ruins LIVES, people! It's like meth, only you get to keep your teeth & the typography on your death certificate is *amazing*

Sigh. Once again my fat little fingers coupled with my hastiness led me to threaten to lick someone's as instead of kick someone's ass.

Oh, server logs... how I <3 you. Not sure which is funnier - that someone searched my site for 'fuckshemale' or that there was a result

If I were, hypothetically speaking, downloading a movie with my Husky by my side, would that make me Bytorrent and the Snow Dog? #rush #fb

Every time I hear Tim Jones' "Sexbomb", I think of UTF-8 text Byte Order Marks. I fail at sexy. Text BOM Text BOM... *sigh*

Neurotics build castles in the air and psychotics live in them. (I sublet.)

I don't understand how some people can live their entire lives without ever deliberately eating a bug.

But really - the guy who takes pictures of his bowel movements to show his friends is NOT the guy I want developing my operating system.

I dont' want Joe Blow Fucktard coming up with my OS. I want Yin Ping who lives in his mom's basement and has never touched a woman doing it

Sure, random internet blog reader. I don't mind troubleshooting your Oauth application on New Year's Eve for free. Send me your files. #gah

Ahh Christmas. Time to enjoy a delicious cup of Nog-Sothoth. H'EE-L'GEB. F'AI TRHODOG. UAAAAH

I can only imagine the stack of snipe photos stacked up next to the dart board at Rackspace HQ.

HAHA - Tweetie tried to spellcheck "bukkake" to "backache". #ifyourbackhurtsyouredoingitwrong

Talking about my labia and PHP IDEs

Now talking about my labia and windows vs linux installs of php - skype at snipeyhead

Now talking about my labia and DRM - skype us at snipeyhead ;)

Also, an orca outbreak in NJ is about the only thing that would make me consider moving there.

Just passed a truck with the company name TruGreen, with an orca on the side. It's a pesticide company. WTF? Is there an orca outbreak?

Either someone in the office has some funky BO, or Starbucks is serving Bellybutton Macchiato now.

Wearing my Life Is Good fleece socks. It feels like 100 teddy bears are having sex with my feet

Lars is away, and my idea of a crazy night is finishing up database mapping documentation and getting the cats high. Sigh.

From @ramsey: "What's TLA stand for?" From @jrzyshr: "Three Letter Acronym" *facepalm*

I live close-by to a huge orthodox jewish community, so we fondly refer to it as the Wailing Wal-Mart.

Everyone is outside pooping in the yard. I'm about to cave to peer pressure.

Meh. Code Offsets are no better than Carbon Offsets. Makes ppl feel better about being lazy, mitigates responsibility. http://bit.ly/1z16Fx

Fabulously, my iPhone autocorrected "tits" to "toys". #notcompletelywrong

If I figure out who the fuck the bus farter is, I'm going to render that orifice completely unusable for at least a month.

Embarrassingly, a man on the subway offered me the vertical rail, because I couldn't reach the one along the top. I felt 5 years old.

Boss asks if there is Remote Desktop for mac to PC Boss: Is there a tool-- I interrupt: Yep - he's sitting right next to me. Boss: Bitch.

For the record, I am NOT checking to see if the domain donkeypunch.me is available.

My nipples explode with delight!

Grumpy people make better decision-makers and are less gullible: http://bit.ly/3lL3hb <-- Hah! Suck it, bitches.

Just misheard "pentagram" as "hentai-gram", and was momentarily excited about the new project. Then had to explain hentai to my boss. :-/

If you're only on Twitter to seek enlightenment and self-realization, you are so, so fucked.

I have a hard time not publicly mocking people who post only inspirational quotes on Twitter.

Incidentally, a google image search for 'hot tar enema' (w/quotes) only has 4 results, one of which is Rush Limbaugh. I ♥ the interwebs #fb

For the people that think Twitter is a pointless waste of time: Twitter brings me at least 15 new smiles I wouldn't have had every day

Ahh, and as a final 'here, some surprise buttsecks', the only way to download it is to load a java applet.

My next supervillian name: The Nictator. I'll fly around, moistening people with my membranes.

If someone commits a calculated, malicious crime while on the rag, is that called menses rea?

I replied "Wy don't YOU get a fuckin' day job?". He explained that he couldn't get a day job because they were experimenting on him.

.. "do you have two dollars?" I said no. He asked if I had one dollar. I said no. He replied "Why don't you get a fuckin' day job?"

Homeless guy just walked up to me and told me he needs coffee and a doughnut. I told him I didn't have coffee or a doughnut. He said (cont)

Imagine how hostile I'd be if I actually held in my rage more often, instead of letting it flow like mélange on arrakis

Dear cougar on the W train: Thanks for the spectacular view of your crotch this morning. Next time, try closing your legs. Also, underwear.

Dear @Syfy - your version of The Dunwich Horror was so bad, I had to be taken to the emergency room because of anal bleeding. Thanks.

I really wish I would stop fatfingering tinysong.com as tinydong.com. Not as bad as facenook.com, though. #fatfingers

Bus driver is talking on the cell, and legitimately replied to person on the phone "that's what she said". Took everything not to giggle

I'm going to change my name to Algernon. I used to be smart. Honest. Now it's a miracle if i remember pants on the way out the door #fb

Dear GoDaddy - every time I watch your fucking pathetic commercials, I want your marketing director to die of crotch flea anemia.

Children who are spanked have lower IQS: http://bit.ly/pgOUq // or maybe its just stupid ones that need spanking

I am too short to ride your emotional roller coaster.

Meh. Someone on the bus smells like poop and licorice

Just passed a produce (i think?) truck with "Fantasy Fruit Farm" written on the side. That could be so many things...

So I mentioned to @lundegaard that I was invited to microsoft's HQ in Dec, & his response was "no shit. I'll have to build u a lightsaber."

Dear pedestrians: Just because you opted to shit out a bunch of babies does not mean you and your crotchspawn carriage have the right of way

$400 in 4 days on vet bills. A heroin habit would be cheaper.

You don't need to call it an eNewsletter when it's being sent by email. #ediots

If I ever work somewhere where my title is Digital Practitioner, I hope someone does the right thing and clubs me to death like a baby seal

Awkward how one letter can change "Such a dork" to "Suck a dork." Sigh. #fb

So Lars came home from faire today & said someone came up and said "I love your dog. And I worship your wife". He never asked their name :-/

I'm going to write a Twitter hack that does a str_replace in users' bios, from 'guru' or 'expert' to 'douchebag'.

Dear SMDs: Thank you for ruining the word 'entrepreneur' forever. There was a time when that word meant something great.

Little known fact: all bees are names Steve

I just overheard a 70-something year old granny yelling into her cellphone "Well, *I* don't remember - Google it for chrissakes" #fb

There are lots of women on the internet, only most of them are naked and in JPG-format.

Despite what you think // Shalimar does not cover // your tuna fish crotch #crankyhaiku

Whoever thought it appropriate to put words across the ass of childrens clothing should have to register as a sex offender.

When science figures out how to power my car using only my manifested rage, we'll have actually gotten somewhere. #fb

Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders (bash.org)

Dreamed I went to prison last night. Got 6-12 years. It wasn't at all like those movies I've seen on Cinimax

He replied: Perfect, my Ninjitsu classes are at the same time. Your intimidation tactics don't work with me - you should know that already.

Mentioned my krav maga classes to me performance coach because we were trying to schedule a session.

Of course, I would sew nipples on most things. 'Cuz what isn't better with nipples?

I think I'd rather eat broken glass out of my own ass than watch The Time Traveler's Wife. Or My Sisters Keeper. Life is depressing enough.

And thanks for all the cautions on the size of my toys, however I do not have a vag of holding. My toys are normal sized.

Dear site user: When asking for tech support, my response time exponentially increases based on the number of exclamation marks you use

Oh thank god. Something stinks. Just realized I was sitting next to a trash can. Thought I had some serious cheesecrotch going on.

Excuse me, stewardess... I speak jive.

I would rather eat rancid tuna out of my own ass than sit through anything that fucking idiot has written.

Love that the PSI of my vag is topic for total strangers. I have arrived!

Some day, before I die - I WILL own a dress like Tina Turner's in Beyond the Thunderdome. Oh I will.

I have a pool running on which skank is going to bust an ankle on the cobblestones in their hooker heels

Is it possible to die from patchouli fumes and hippie swamp-ass?

Note to self. When posting an ad for kinky, anonymous sex on Craig's List, mispelling "casual" encounter to "causal" results in nerdy sex

I think my clitoris is somewhere in my ear canal now. That was quite a kick

New word: noobspooge. When you're not even a noob, you're just a million tiny lives left to die in a tissue next to a stack of hentai mags

Tell me I'm not the only nerd who had the Monty Python "message for you sir!" sound clip as their new mail notification at one time

It's like the united assholes of benneton on the bus tonight. Everyone is yelling into their phone in different languages. #fb

When they find me dead in an alley, posed like a Jesus Christ, covered in liquid latex and peanut butter, wearing clown shoes he'll be sorry

Weird mod_rewrite quirks // make snipey a sad panda // fuck you, apache #geekhaiku

Holy Iphone fail batman. Just autocorrected mistyped "girl" to "Hitler"

NY flirting is a bit more direct, and sometimes occurs after there's already a cock in someone's mouth

Rawr. I hunger. Should find some small children. They're like hot pockets for the damned.

At my company BBQ. Lars just got a picture of me flipping off a baby.

If Chuck Norris wrote linux, the kernel would always be panicking.

Ever been in the middle of a conversation, mid-sentence, when you realize that not even *you* give a shit about how the sentence ends?

Older guy just asked the bus driver what Facebook is. Big, heavy sigh, then he answered "Its an online... Thing... With.. A website &.. Nvm"

I'm sure I don't want to know what it was that I just found in my bellybutton.

I respect microsoft developers. It's hard to have your head up your ass and your nose in the air at the same time. (j/k - nothing but love)

I wonder if uniball has ever thought of getting lance armstrong to sponsor their pens

Closing is done. Next time I get it into my head to do something that masochistic, please tell me to just staplegun my labia to the floor.

House closing today // Homicide is still a crime // Will claim self-defense #crankyhaiku

*sigh* I remember the days when being an 'entrepreneur' meant you actually had a skill or trade, not a 'net connection and a MLM scheme.

Just got a spam with the from: name of "Nipple Vivien". If I ever have a kid, I'm so naming it that.

Otherwise we'll all be stuck with 8 months of you twittering about your bedsores in the hospital, and that's arguably worse

Seriously people - if your sandwich or your cat are the most interesting things you've got going on, just fling yourself off a building

Unfollowing anyone who tweets a "get x followers a day" crap. It's nothing personal, it's just... Wait, no, it's totally personal, douchebag

Cow-orker just accidentally wrote "testicle" instead of "testable" in an email to client. "We'll let u know when we have a testicle version"

Be ON NOTICE: If I receive a single DM from some bullshit fucking Twitter game on behalf of you, I am BLOCKING you and killing your parents

Has anyone written a Weirding Module iPhone app yet? That would make my meetings so much more fun

Just passed a skinny guy wearing a "Don't mess with Texas" shirt carrying a Lets Go NYC book. I want to mug him myself to get it over with

A jesus-freak was handing out flyers to everyone in line. He skipped me. Not sure if he thinks I already have one, or am a lost cause.

I find myself trying to convince my husband that fantasizing on Twitter about commuting to work on Shai-Hulud is not particularly nerdy

I'm always tempted to make faces at blind people on the street to see if they're faking it #assholeconfessions

If you work retail, do you have a Restockalypse?

If the end of the world involves llamas and other farmed animals,, would it be an alpacalypse?

Dear @KristenVeal - your Twitter stream is so boring, it just gave me cancer. Thanks.

Its just not a good day until I can use "ball-gargling" in a sentence.

When women need a group to empower themselves, they're not truly empowered. Empowerment comes from within, ladies. Just MHO tho.

Laptop burns my legs // Red splotches decorate knees // Geek badge of honor #geekhaiku

@BenAlabaster I personally love that "you motherfucker" is 5 syllables and perfect to use to end any haiku. As is "go die in a fire"

LOL someone just left a blog comment: "I want to make a romantic explosion inside you." Can't tell if its spam, or just a weirdo.

Reason #3477 to love the internet: fondly reminiscing with total strangers about the first hentai you ever watched

It's amazing how the Doppler effect can turn a passing ice cream truck into a creepy pedophile van

Also, Apple, your fucking iPhone update had better do my taxes and fellate me to make up for all the suck you've put me through

Awesome. Big fat raindrop just landed on my boob and nowhere else on my shirt - looks like I'm lactating now. Sigh.

Awkward. It's time for them to do wedding cake, and I involuntary yelled out "the cake is a lie". Silence. #iamageek

You call it flexible morals, I call it refusing to assign an emotional response to a logical issue. Pfft.

Is it weird to wear black to a wedding? (Is it weirder that I got married in black? And did a live webcast for the first one?)

Best goodbye ever, from @caseysoftware: "it was great to meet you. Thank you for not stabbing me" #tek09

Singularity / Productivity black hole / Thanks so much, Twitter #geekhaiku

I miss copy paste / weary of fir ducking he'll / smartphone not so smart #geekhaiku #iphone

I can't wait until I'm old enough to need plastic surgery. Only I'll just start having stuff added. Extra boobs and buttcheeks, elbowtox etc

Baseball agent to me: You seem to swear more than the baseball players I deal with, which is both funny and slightly alarming.

@MikaelFritts #PHP plots to kill us all, honey. But you usually get a reach-around first :D

The guy smoking outside is trying to use his cigarette smoke to mask the smell of his farts. It's not working.

Lars just misspoke a song title, and now I find myself writing lyrics for 'chitty chitty gang bang'

@gadhra I'm seriously just impressed that some chick let you stick your dick in her. (And you know I say that with love... lol)

My dentist just threatened to refuse to finish my filling until I downloaded the Tap Defense iPhone app

Dear IE - I still hate you. Line breaks in code should NOT result in line breaks in display. Ass.

wishes soy crisps didn't look like boiled scrotum. Delicious garlic and onion scrotum....